Angry Bob

I have my computer tied to the phone line and have it screen calls for me. Depending on who may be calling, it will let the call pass through, it might just immediately hang up, or it could deliver a message about how we do not respond to telemarketers.

Yeah, we still get calls even after placing ourselves on the Do Not Call list – the energy to track the bastards down is more effort than I’m willing to spend, especially since I’ve got my computer to give them an earful for me.

The program I run on my computer is PhoneTrayFree. It is for your phone, it resides in your system tray (if you use Windows – otherwise you’re shit out of luck) and you need a modem card.

I found an excellent message to deliver to persistent assholes appropriately called “Dial An Asshole”. It goes like this in a professional and authoritative male voice:

“Thank you for calling Dial-An-Asshole. All of our assholes are currently assisting other assholes. To receive a free copy of our quarterly newsletter ‘The Anal Retentive’ please leave your name and number at the beep and the first available asshole will return your call promptly. Have a Shitty day.”

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Of course they never get a beep to leave a message. If this message sounds intriguing and you would like a copy, email me and I’ll send it to you. On the other hand, if this is copyrighted and needs to be so attributed, let me know that also.

I knew it was a hit not long after my sister-in-law left our number as a contact with her credit union. She fell behind in her payments and they started calling us. I let them know her number and asked them to stop calling me. When they didn’t, they got the “Dial-An-Asshole” treatment.

The first time they got the message we received five more calls in quick succession from the same number. I immediately knew what had happened. The first caller got such a kick out of it he/she passed it on to his/her mates saying “You’ve got to hear this!”

Technology can be so much fun when it works for the right reasons.

Oh – and F*ck you, asshole callers. My phone is not your playground, it is my playground and I’ll screw with you any way I want.

(Sorry – Will replace vid locally)

American Girls and American Guys
Will always stand up and salute
We’ll always recognize
When we see Old Glory flyin’
There’s a lot of men dead,
So we can sleep in peace at night
When we lay down our head.

My Daddy served in the Army
Where he lost his right eye
But he flew a flag out in our yard
‘Til the day that he died.
He wanted my Mother, my brother, my sister and me
To grow up and live happy in the land of the free.

Now this Nation that I love has fallen under attack
A mighty sucker-punch came flying in
From somewhere in the back.
As soon as we could see clearly
Through our big black eye
Man, we lit up your world
Like the Fourth of July.

Hey, Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty started shakin’ her fist
And the Eagle will fly and it’s gonna be Hell
When you hear Mother Freedom started ringin’ her bell
And it’ll feel like the whole wide world is rainin’ down on you
Ah, brought to you courtesy of the Red White and Blue.

Oh, Justice will be served
And the battle will rage.
This Big Dog will fight
When you rattle his cage.
You’ll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A.
‘Cause we’ll put a boot in your ass
It’s the American way.

Hey, Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty started shakin’ her fist
And the Eagle will fly and it’s gonna be Hell
When you hear Mother Freedom started ringin’ her bell
And it’ll feel like the whole wide world is rainin’ down on you
Ah, brought to you courtesy of the Red White and Blue.

Ahh, ahh… of the Red White and Blue
Ohh, ohh… of my Red White and Blue.