Angry Bob

There’s a Time-Life infomercial shilling the “Greatest Country Music Ever Recorded” playing on TV right now and it disgusts me.

Hate doesn’t even plumb the depths of my revulsion for the slutty, putrid wallowing in the pig slop of everything repulsive about the most animalistic groveling nature of human kind that defines old school country music.

Not the new stuff. Since the late eighties, early nineties country music crossed over and no longer resembles its disgusting past.

But the past! Oh God how I hated it.

My father was cutting edge cool when I was a small boy in the late 50’s – early 60’s. We had a full blown mahogany piece of furniture that was a stereo record player before most others had anything like it. He played Big Band, Swing, Jazz, Folk and show tunes. I loved every bit of it (well, everything but the show tunes). If I and my brothers weren’t dancing around the room to the music, I would sit in front of the satellite speaker and feel the full force of sound take me away.

Then in the early 60’s we moved south into the Heart of Dixie, deep into the hell hole of ignorance and repression and my life turned to shit. Everyone spoke a foreign language. I was surrounded by trash.

My father went native and there was no stopping the relentless torture I was subject to through our car’s speaker. Every trip we took became an endlessly streaming hell of whining and crying pounding into my skull making me want to just rip out of my skin, jump from the car and dash headlong into oncoming traffic just to end the unholy nightmare!

Waylon Jennings, Porter Wagoner, Boxcar Willy, and the rest of you whiny bastards, I celebrate your passing.

When you’re dieing, sometimes shit just makes you think…

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Lyrics:

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle!
And this’ll help things turn out for the best.
And…

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the light side of life.
[whistling]

If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle, that’s the thing.
And…

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling] (come on!)
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistling]

For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it, it’s your last chance, anyhow!
So…

Always look on the bright side of death [whistling]
A-just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistling]

Life’s a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ‘em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And…

Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the right side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
(What are ya goin’ to lose ya’ know?
Ya came from nothin’, you’re goin’ back to nothin’
What have ya lost? Nothin’!)
Always look on the right side of life!
[whistling]
(Nothin’ will come from nothin’, ya know what I’m sayin’?)
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
(Cheerio ya ol’ bugger, give us a grin)
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]